TORCHWOOD is not DOCTOR WHO

So, last night my hubbie and I watched TORCHWOOD: CHILDREN OF EARTH.

Sigh.

We had heard a lot of good things about it. And hey - watching John Barrowman never hurts my feelings ... I thought.

Let me say this here - if you haven't watched the 5 episode series, this post is going be SPOILERIFIC!! So, watch out!

First off, if you haven't seen it and for some reason, still want to read my feelings about it -- one, thank you for caring! and two, here's a link to a synopsis.


I did a few google searches after I completed watching and to my amazement, it seems I am the only one who didn't like it. And didn't just not like it -- I *hated* it. With a fiery passion. Like, want to drop-kick the whole thing into a sewage plant and then set it ablaze. It's not because Ianto dies. It's not because they're endangering children and the characters are forced to make hard choices. It's not even because the one gov't guy kills his own family rather than submit his children to their awful fate. (Okay, I take that last one back, it's a little bit about that.)

It's because it's completely devoid of any kind of hope or triumph. I like dark things - I really do. In general, I can laugh at the blackest humor and make it through some steep tragedy. So what's my problem?
My problem is The Doctor.

The Doctor fills his companions with hope. He changes and energizes and fills them with the fighting spirit. And he doesn't give in and make the difficult choice just because that's what the bad guys are trying to force him to do. And the Doctor would be ashamed of Torchwood (hey - don't call me judgey, Gwen says it herself and she's right).  I always wanted Jack to come back to Doctor Who and now I don't think the Doctor could stomach the sight of him. I know I can't.

Now, before I dig into my deep-seated loathing of what they did with this series, let me get a little nerd-girl nit-picky with one minor point. WHERE THE HELL IS MARTHA JONES???? They have a throw away line, where Jack says, "Oh, Martha picked a great time to go on her honeymoon."  Which is fine - time off should be respected, amiright? But. BUT. There are exceptions. Like say if 10% of the CHILDREN on the planet are about to be handed off like joints in a the dubious, murky back alley of the universe that is apparently, the Earth. Also -- if you are alerted to this fact by the obviously disturbing behavior of EVERY CHILD ON THE PLANET at the SAME TIME! What - she was on a tropical island where there are no children? At least toss me a "she's off-planet" for God's sake. Please.

Now, let me also say this. I loved this series right up until the last half hour when they blew it all to hell and back. How do they do this? By proving Captain Jack Harkness is a cold, unfeeling, heartless bastard who can easily betray his own family, flesh and blood and grandchild and let him die horribly, in pain and afraid, without saying goodbye or even giving him a hug -- rather than experience about fifteen minutes of pain himself. Confused? Let me explain.

At the last minute, our team ( let's use sarcastic air quotes and call them "the good guys", shall we?) discover a hidden signal in the transmissions coming from the 456 -- a signal that can hurt them. (Weak writing alert: there's no explanation of what this signal is or why it didn't hurt hurt them before.) And the "good guys" can turn it back on them by reversing the process -- using the children of earth as little walking speakers with legs. Problem being, they'll need a child to use as a transmitting instrument to send the signal to the other children and it will fry the child. (WHAT THE HELL, R.T.D. ? What. The. Hell.) And the closest child to them is Jack's grandson. So they grab him up, drag him past his screaming and hysterical mother, shove him into the middle of the room while he's crying and shaking, and fry him right there in front of Jack. Who ... I don't know, stands there and looks vaguely upset ...?

I understand the need to show Jack making a true sacrifice. A character that can't die, selflessly dying over and over again in increasingly horrifying ways gets old. And you begin to not feel the sacrifice. But here's part of my problem. His grandchild isn't his to sacrifice. I couldn't really believe that he cared about his daughter or his grandson. He was never really part of their lives. He shows almost no bonding to the kid. So it feels hollow. And not like something a former companion of the doctor would do. Or that Jack would be willing to do. In fact, half my problem was that I really couldn't get behind the whole "Jack decided to fork kids over to aliens to be used as drugs". Just not buying it. Sorry.

Jack sacrificed himself for a satellite full of humans who were going to torture and kill him on live TV for entertainment and defended them against the Daleks -- before he was immortal! So now he sacrifices his own grandchild because its the most convenient way to accomplish what they're doing? I don't think so. Jack wouldn't do that. He would find a way to fight. If for no other reason, than how he was became immortal in the first place.

Here's the thing - the writing was unconvincing. They never said WHY it had to be a child, never even made it clear that it had to be. Obviously, adults can transmit that frequency, because Clem did. So why didn't Jack transmit the frequency himself, burn up and regenerate? It's still sad. Ianto & Clem still die, heck Mr. Invertabrate Government man can still kill his entire family because he's too dumb or scared to stand up to his boss. Or -- if you want to tighten up the writing and prove to us that the transmitting instrument had to be a child, do that. And then have the kid survive because he's Jack's grandson and his immortality is transmitted through is blood. (As evidenced in Miracle Day.)

There were so many obvious "outs" for this story that they practically write themselves. As a matter of fact, the whole ending is so forced, they have a ridiculous moment where Gwen is talking to a camera her husband happens to have (loudly, though they are hiding children whose lives are at stake) to explain to the audience why some of these solutions aren't being used. Like calling the Doctor for help. But what about all of the other obvious solutions? Like these, for example.

1.) FIGHT. Aliens are trying to steal children to use up their bodies for drugs. Fight them. Oh, but they have poison gas and they'll kill us all!  Don't be ridiculous. They're going to poison the whole earth? When they can't breath our atmosphere? I don't think so. They have diseases? Prove it! The whole part where they poison the THAMES HOUSE - ludicrous. These people have haz mat suits and oxygen tanks, and nobody uses one. Stupid. So screw your politics, tell the world and fight back. Instead of building them little fish tanks to live in, start mass-producing oxygen cleaners and gas masks.

(Heck, the Doctor even saved this creepy little brat.)

2.) SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED. When the big, bad, scary aliens ask you to build them a tank so they can breathe during their visit -- DON'T DO IT. Or here's a thought -- build in a failsafe. Like, I don't know ... maybe poisonous gas? I KNOW! An OXYGEN vent, you morons.

3) I NEED AN ADULT! Why does a kid have to be the transmitter  They never even attempt to explain it. They brought it up in a throw away comment (But, why kids?) Why, indeed. At least give me a half-hearted explanation about hormones or something. And how about, try transmitting with an adult. Maybe the super-agent whose all about duty to her country and planted a bomb INSIDE Jack. She's seems morally ambiguous enough, let's use her. Did it blow her up and not work? Then use someone else. Hey, I've got an idea - do you have any adults that no matter what physical abuse you put them through, they still pop up alive in a few minutes ...?

My problem is I feel like they forced the "dark, grim" ending. And like, I said - I don't have a problem with dark stuff. Or gritty stuff. (Though there is a point and a limit to what I will subject myself to.) It's like they said, Hey, we need to show people we can write some serious tragedy drama stuff.  And then came up with this story. (Hey, we need an Oscar, let's make a movie about a ten-year old WWII veteran dying of cancer who sacrifices himself on his birthday to save a Jewish kid ... with asthma - yeah! That'll pull on their heart strings!)
The problem is there was no sense of hope. No redeeming moment. I ended up hating who they made Jack. Especially with that asinine final three minutes where he tells Gwen he's okay (HOW THE HELL ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS, JACK?) and then runs off to have adventures and promiscuous sex with aliens.I can' believe he even DARED to quote the Doctor in Day Five, when he proved himself such a travesty to the Doctor's ideals.
Ugh.

But I'm trying to forgive Jack. Because it's not really his fault. It's the writing. I feel like they wanted to prove themselves as non-campy, agnsty-capable, deep-digging drama so they force fed the kind of crap that people win awards for. Well done, guys. You made a show where I don't care about a damn one of the characters, or their suffering. But you sure showed a lot of suffering on screen. So - you know - kudos to you on the whole making me hate the human race and life on earth.

And maybe I could have enjoyed the story if it was set outside of the Whoverse. But let's face it. TORCHWOOD isn't just an anagram of DOCTOR WHO -- it's the Anti-Doctor Who. The Doctor restores my faith in humanity, makes me believe we're worth it, that we can be better, achieve more. And Torchwood makes me understand why so many aliens keep trying to wipe out the human race. For the love of space and time, at least the Daleks are honest about who they are and what they want.

So, because even writing this has me depressed, let me share with a few images that represent a small inkling of why DOCTOR WHO is always going to be better than Torchwood in my heart, and why the Doctor would never have let this happen.

Sigh. I love the Doctor.